I Lied and Decieved You with the Truth

I made another pointless decision that I may not follow through with the other day - everything feels spent and worn-out these days. Everything seems too comfortable. I keep people at arms length, investing little faith in the brighter dawn and spouting endless amounts of half-truths and bullshit to all I encounter.

To put it simply, I don't think I can stay here any more. Ever since I was a child, I've been waiting for something to be over, like if I can complete that task, walk one more step or write one more word, the game resets itself and I can try again on a different setting. My original goal was to be in the States by November, but that goal is looking less and less likely of being attained. The plan now is to finish my degree and move interstate - preferably internationally at some of the boutique destinations only many would dream of - to a far away city and surroundings. A friend of mine made it all click for me the other day; that no matter how far I venture out of my comfort zone, I always remember that a safety net has my back lest it breaks, although I have to sacrifice much of my risk taking for it to work even slightly effectively.

Although I haven't the resources for it right now, I aim to have them very soon. Then I'm gone for good. It is only a matter of time, now. There's very little keeping me here.

Then I'm out.

nothing at all
there was nothing at all
then came nothing at all
then came nothing at all
but nothing at all, is nothing
the bastards they got us
one by one
they lied and deceived us
with the truth
the bastards they took my darling there
on top of the hill I can see
my lost world down there
- Kent, Ingenting (trans.)

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http://twitter.com/crushtor

Man About Town

My eyes look like sunken graves, the whites blurred, the pupils like an abyss staring into the distance. My sleeping timetable is monumentally fucked - I need some structure (read: a proper job) to get things happening again. It's not the fact I wake up with no purpose that doesn't get me out of bed, its just inertia. General inertia.

Nevertheless, my mini-getaway holiday was firstly furnished by the lovely Kyle and DeeDee, who provided much lulz in their cozy house in the middle of the "Ghetto", which isn't too far removed from an apt description. Their taste in TV is unsurpassed and of course never failed to disappoint. I am going to have so much fun watching Department S. Also, if Australia treated their Big Brother housemates with utter contempt like they do in Britain, I would be half-way inclined to watch it.

If you haven't seen the Grindhouse double in the cinema - DON'T! (I mean, of course, please do. Its such a fantastic experience. DON'T! is just a reference that myself and Natasha couldn't stop making after we saw Edgar Wright's awesome grindhouse inspired "preview" of a slasher pic.) I am ultimately (in the truest nature of the word) very tired and very broke.

I love the internet - there's nothing you can't find out...eventually.

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http://twitter.com/crushtor

Sedate and Anaesthetize

I just saw the latest episode of Doctor Who. Russel T. Davies wants to go out on a bang, and he certainly isn't going to disappoint. Steven Moffat better not drag the good Doctor into the soppy dark ages, however.

I'm slowly running out of money and sanity. I never thought having money was contingent on my mental health, but its beginning to seem that way. Every time i fork over currency, my mind is forming resistances and dark reminders that I shouldn't be spending or staying at home. Every bill is like a blade being twisted in my spine - I lost my gym membership card the other day and I flew into a rage just because I knew it incurs a replacement fee. I gained perspective, eventually. I'm sort of numbing myself to any and all effects that the outside world wants me to have. Its so I can function and experience more so than live and feel, and I think I'm fine with that.

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http://twitter.com/crushtor