Insurrection and Prejudice

For the most part, IRC is a hangout for those who play this ultra-nerdy game called Cyber Nations which I started playing as a hobby to distract myself from work but got pretty much addicted to ever since I became the leader of an alliance (Its so cool! I can boss people around!) Politics + bullshitting + procrastination = win!

But I did like this quote that was thrown up the other day:

"Relationships suck. The only fun part is before and after. Making the initial connection and the revenge."

Quote for truth, am I rite?

ALSO: Stolen Babies = Oingo Boingo + Dresden Dolls + Metal. Epic win, much?

I also get/have to interview Trivium next week...at their hotel. Interesting? I sure hope so.

Addendum: I BOUGHT A YELLOW LEGAL PAD AND ITS THE MINTEST THING EVER*

*Yes, that trivial purchase announcement was most deserving of italics.

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Crushtor.net's Guide to Australian White People - Part I

All hail King Kochie, Imperator Australis Albus

Have every reason to fear, comrades! Crushtor.net proudly presents its second offering in its Guides and/or Tributes to Series™ - Our Guide to Australian White People - Part I.

Who are they?
White people aren't necessarily melanin-deficient people of Anglo-Australian descent - they may hail from overseas and come in a variety of colors, creeds and denominations. "White" in this sense doesn't explicitly exclude or discriminate: any dumb, vacuous, naturally conservative and middle-aged (or middle-aged at heart) motherfucker can be white, as you will soon see. (Inspired by the Stuff White People Like blog.)

Culture
White people crave mediocrity and kitsch shit, as evidenced by their love for lifestyle programs such as "Better Homes and Gardens" and its derivatives. As long as tips for making inexpensive paintings and "perfect" dishes such as "perfect chocolate cake" (yes, the show claims to "solve" cooking once and for all) are thrown at a White audience with nary a thought for actually attempting such activities, the White person is satiated. They also enjoy watching celebrities dance, sing and/or comment upon events of historical significance which they have little knowledge of.

White people also revere trivial insignificance presented as credible and important fact; such as the whereabouts of Lindsay Lohan; the items that are purchased by Victoria "Posh" Beckham; the "outrageous" names bestowed upon Nicole Kidman's daughter; any hard-drive space used to store images and sound captured from the Big Brother House.

Musical expression is limited to the latest Coldplay album in the form of a ringtone. That, and musical theater, for some inexplicably fucked up reason. What the fuck is with that shit?

Drinking
Another pastime of White people is inexplicable displays of public drunkenness. White people enjoy catching public transport to congregate with other White people in order to consume alcohol. They also revel in their advanced cognitive powers of recalling the types and quantities of all beverages consumed within a given time-frame. Alcohol also allows White people to: talk to girls; dance badly to 70s disco music; boast about their unverifiable claims of sexual prowess; humiliate their partners; revert to a childish state for their own and others' amusement.

Complaining
Another activity which is almost certainly the sole domain of the White person is incessant complaining about the state of the world around them. All actions and/or objects are a potential irritant, and no White person is immune from the perpetual inconvenience of life itself. Despite having the highest education rates in the world, White people design (often cheaply) appliances with limited usefulness after a given time, despite White people's insistence on the infallibility of such appliances. They routinely mistake the words used to describe any such appliance for the appliance itself, and this angers the White person. Thus the White person is "let down" easily, causing frustration and eventually, the vocal annunciation of these feelings to those within earshot.

Implicit Racism
The Australian White person, while burying most of their explicit racism has taken to more insidious forms of racism to continue subjugating non-White Australians, such as making them watch stupid fucking kitsch television or insisting upon allegiance to Australia and their boring as fuck traditions and not to the bastard country of "UnAustralia", the nation where many unpatriotic residents supposedly reside.
If they are not blatantly racist, White people take it upon themselves to remedy the injustices they perceive to be prevalent in society by acting on the behalf of the oppressed, usually without their consent or foreknowledge. White people expect to be lauded as heroes for merely championing such causes and are often disappointed when their overtures are not welcomed or acknowledged. (see "Complaining")

Looking forward to Part II of the Guide?™ Hell, so am I!

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Crushtor.net's Tribute to Television Coffee

Fellow reader(s*), some may know me for my fondness for huddling myself in front of the warm glow of a Television, either in ersatz in form of a computer machine or even the real thing. However, what has been routinely neglected by TV viewers are the contributions of beverage merchants that make the experience complete. I talk of Fictional Television Coffee. We at Crushtor.net wish to remedy this oversight by our inaugural tribute to TV Coffee for giving so little while we ask so much of it. Forza, caffe!

1. Central Perk
Not that Central Perk was a blend of coffee itself, it does merit mention as the setting for most "comical" transactions and latte-sipping amongst the long-running Friends, also a series of the same name. I guess once people realized that character development would never actually take place, they got Lisa Kudrow to typecast herself by making her play ditzy songs on a guitar she most evidently had no idea how to play for the amusement of white people everywhere.

2. Awkward Moments Coffee
Possibly the most remarkably uproarious blend of coffee ever "created" for sketch comedy is Rich Fulcher and Matt Berry's Awkward Moments Coffee, the special coffee for "those moments that are just too awkward for words." Whether you fire up a pot for walking in on your wife with another man, when you call a fat girl pregnant or tell a bloke "you like him like a brother", it's great joe! If Matt Berry beckoned me to purchase some with that sultry baritone of his, I'd drink it every fucking day - be it in awkward, tense or even slightly jovial situations regardless.

3. Duncan Hills Coffee
Popularized by metal monsters Dethklok, Duncan Hills Coffee is, as front man Nathan Explosion says, "blacker than the blackest black times infinity", which would be absolute advertising gold if Duncan Hills Coffee ever decided to actually exist. Not that metalheads would ever substitute coffee for beer, however. Although, something tells me if a cartoon death metal vocalist they routinely quoted told them to, they would. Until then, Scream. For your cream.

4. Star Trek "Replicator" Coffee
In the "popular" "science-fiction" series Star Trek: The Next Generation, food and beverages could materialize out of thin air when a bald man in a jumpsuit commanded a hole in the wall to do so. Not that Baldy actually ordered coffee, its just cool that he had the power to do so at his whim. If you read through the volumes of nerd technobabble that has been created to canonize every insignificant fucking detail of the innards of the USS Enterprise, the coffee is actually reconstituted shit that had its molecules rearranged. Those 24th Century greenie pacifists really know how to recycle!

5. High School and "College" All-Nighter Coffee
Inevitably, a teen high school or university show (Undeclared is recommended, by the way) will feature an episode that requires our hapless protagonist(s) to consume gross amounts of the sacred bean to keep them awake to complete an assignment they put off/study for a test they think they will fail/keep watch for the nasty old Dean or try to win some bizzare contest. I challenge you to write and direct a similar teen/young adult series that doesn't feature such an episode. Go on, do it.

And as we fondly wave upon our departed fictional coffee, we salute its beany, full-bodied contributions to television that have hitherto never been recognized. Raise your mugs in appreciation! Here's to you, TV Coffee!!!

*readers may or may not actually exist.

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