Fellow reader(s*), some may know me for my fondness for huddling myself in front of the warm glow of a Television, either in ersatz in form of a computer machine or even the real thing. However, what has been routinely neglected by TV viewers are the contributions of beverage merchants that make the experience complete. I talk of Fictional Television Coffee. We at Crushtor.net wish to remedy this oversight by our inaugural tribute to TV Coffee for giving so little while we ask so much of it. Forza, caffe!
1. Central Perk
Not that Central Perk was a blend of coffee itself, it does merit mention as the setting for most "comical" transactions and latte-sipping amongst the long-running Friends, also a series of the same name. I guess once people realized that character development would never actually take place, they got Lisa Kudrow to typecast herself by making her play ditzy songs on a guitar she most evidently had no idea how to play for the amusement of white people everywhere.
2. Awkward Moments Coffee
Possibly the most remarkably uproarious blend of coffee ever "created" for sketch comedy is Rich Fulcher and Matt Berry's Awkward Moments Coffee, the special coffee for "those moments that are just too awkward for words." Whether you fire up a pot for walking in on your wife with another man, when you call a fat girl pregnant or tell a bloke "you like him like a brother", it's great joe! If Matt Berry beckoned me to purchase some with that sultry baritone of his, I'd drink it every fucking day - be it in awkward, tense or even slightly jovial situations regardless.
3. Duncan Hills Coffee
Popularized by metal monsters Dethklok, Duncan Hills Coffee is, as front man Nathan Explosion says, "blacker than the blackest black times infinity", which would be absolute advertising gold if Duncan Hills Coffee ever decided to actually exist. Not that metalheads would ever substitute coffee for beer, however. Although, something tells me if a cartoon death metal vocalist they routinely quoted told them to, they would. Until then, Scream. For your cream.
4. Star Trek "Replicator" Coffee
In the "popular" "science-fiction" series Star Trek: The Next Generation, food and beverages could materialize out of thin air when a bald man in a jumpsuit commanded a hole in the wall to do so. Not that Baldy actually ordered coffee, its just cool that he had the power to do so at his whim. If you read through the volumes of nerd technobabble that has been created to canonize every insignificant fucking detail of the innards of the USS Enterprise, the coffee is actually reconstituted shit that had its molecules rearranged. Those 24th Century greenie pacifists really know how to recycle!
5. High School and "College" All-Nighter Coffee
Inevitably, a teen high school or university show (Undeclared is recommended, by the way) will feature an episode that requires our hapless protagonist(s) to consume gross amounts of the sacred bean to keep them awake to complete an assignment they put off/study for a test they think they will fail/keep watch for the nasty old Dean or try to win some bizzare contest. I challenge you to write and direct a similar teen/young adult series that doesn't feature such an episode. Go on, do it.
And as we fondly wave upon our departed fictional coffee, we salute its beany, full-bodied contributions to television that have hitherto never been recognized. Raise your mugs in appreciation! Here's to you, TV Coffee!!!
*readers may or may not actually exist.