Crushtor.net's Tribute to Television Coffee

Fellow reader(s*), some may know me for my fondness for huddling myself in front of the warm glow of a Television, either in ersatz in form of a computer machine or even the real thing. However, what has been routinely neglected by TV viewers are the contributions of beverage merchants that make the experience complete. I talk of Fictional Television Coffee. We at Crushtor.net wish to remedy this oversight by our inaugural tribute to TV Coffee for giving so little while we ask so much of it. Forza, caffe!

1. Central Perk
Not that Central Perk was a blend of coffee itself, it does merit mention as the setting for most "comical" transactions and latte-sipping amongst the long-running Friends, also a series of the same name. I guess once people realized that character development would never actually take place, they got Lisa Kudrow to typecast herself by making her play ditzy songs on a guitar she most evidently had no idea how to play for the amusement of white people everywhere.

2. Awkward Moments Coffee
Possibly the most remarkably uproarious blend of coffee ever "created" for sketch comedy is Rich Fulcher and Matt Berry's Awkward Moments Coffee, the special coffee for "those moments that are just too awkward for words." Whether you fire up a pot for walking in on your wife with another man, when you call a fat girl pregnant or tell a bloke "you like him like a brother", it's great joe! If Matt Berry beckoned me to purchase some with that sultry baritone of his, I'd drink it every fucking day - be it in awkward, tense or even slightly jovial situations regardless.


3. Duncan Hills Coffee
Popularized by metal monsters Dethklok, Duncan Hills Coffee is, as front man Nathan Explosion says, "blacker than the blackest black times infinity", which would be absolute advertising gold if Duncan Hills Coffee ever decided to actually exist. Not that metalheads would ever substitute coffee for beer, however. Although, something tells me if a cartoon death metal vocalist they routinely quoted told them to, they would. Until then, Scream. For your cream.

4. Star Trek "Replicator" Coffee
In the "popular" "science-fiction" series Star Trek: The Next Generation, food and beverages could materialize out of thin air when a bald man in a jumpsuit commanded a hole in the wall to do so. Not that Baldy actually ordered coffee, its just cool that he had the power to do so at his whim. If you read through the volumes of nerd technobabble that has been created to canonize every insignificant fucking detail of the innards of the USS Enterprise, the coffee is actually reconstituted shit that had its molecules rearranged. Those 24th Century greenie pacifists really know how to recycle!

5. High School and "College" All-Nighter Coffee
Inevitably, a teen high school or university show (Undeclared is recommended, by the way) will feature an episode that requires our hapless protagonist(s) to consume gross amounts of the sacred bean to keep them awake to complete an assignment they put off/study for a test they think they will fail/keep watch for the nasty old Dean or try to win some bizzare contest. I challenge you to write and direct a similar teen/young adult series that doesn't feature such an episode. Go on, do it.

And as we fondly wave upon our departed fictional coffee, we salute its beany, full-bodied contributions to television that have hitherto never been recognized. Raise your mugs in appreciation! Here's to you, TV Coffee!!!

*readers may or may not actually exist.

Beat on the Brat

I've been having a major Ramones kick recently. Something tells me that my re-issue of their self-titled album on vinyl isn't enough. Hopefully Nat should be burning me their Greatest Hits compilation for me. (read: hint!)

I also jokingly considered running for my local council with Catch and Ahchow yesterday. Somehow I don't think running a borderline nut-job libertarian program of privatizing all the council services and replacing rates as a source of income by investing in the construction of a huge bell on top of Southland in a bid for the City of Kingston being home to "The biggest bell in the Southern Hemisphere" (Yeah, the North has Big Ben and the Liberty Bell!) and the ensuing consumption-free foreign tourist cash flow to fund whatever a council supposedly does. But then I hit upon an even better idea to get myself elected to office in a heartbeat.

Abolish the Kingston City Council altogether and let the State government take up the slack. Hell, I'd vote for me!

Mikhail Gorbachev = Epicest Win Ever

This is my favorite video clip, ever.


GORBACHOV: THE MUSIC VIDEO - BIGGER AND RUSSIANER from Tom Stern on Vimeo

Fuck the System

I passed both my fucking subjects this semester. Even got an H3 in one of them. I can't believe it. The system doesn't work. Thank fucking Christ for that.

This is a complete and utter slap in the face to those who bust a gut and study hard at uni. I'm actually proud of myself for some twisted reason. This is the biggest win I've had in ages. Please, dear readers, allow me some bragging rights just this once.

"Receiving education at 2 elite institutions + 2 lazy to care = high achievement by default? Priceless"

Uninteresting Things

I think this is the first time i've ever chronicled the ridiculous things I do when surfing the net. With all my spare time I've got now, this is what I have been "investigating." Following from unhealthy fascination with the 80s, I'm an avid collector of chip tunes, most notably those using the Commodore 64 SID chip. So, when I found out about the Timbaland "Acid Jazzed Evening" controversy, I was instantly intrigued. Timbaland is the name of a music producer who has a string of hits to his name. However, it seems Mr. Land has ripped off a SIDtune and claimed it as his own work.

When you play the offending track and GRG's .sid cover (a chiptune maker and demoscener) you will quickly realize the melodies are virtually identical. Unfortunately might is right in the dog-eat-dog music industry and Tempest being an outsider with no credentials might as well shout from the top of his YouTube comment box that he was the original artist and bask in electronic kudos while Timbaland shrugs off the misspelt scorn.

I sincerely hope Roadrunner Records don't dog me so I can land the biggest interview of my short (yet surprising) music journalism career. You'll just have to guess who it might be!

I Lied and Decieved You with the Truth

I made another pointless decision that I may not follow through with the other day - everything feels spent and worn-out these days. Everything seems too comfortable. I keep people at arms length, investing little faith in the brighter dawn and spouting endless amounts of half-truths and bullshit to all I encounter.

To put it simply, I don't think I can stay here any more. Ever since I was a child, I've been waiting for something to be over, like if I can complete that task, walk one more step or write one more word, the game resets itself and I can try again on a different setting. My original goal was to be in the States by November, but that goal is looking less and less likely of being attained. The plan now is to finish my degree and move interstate - preferably internationally at some of the boutique destinations only many would dream of - to a far away city and surroundings. A friend of mine made it all click for me the other day; that no matter how far I venture out of my comfort zone, I always remember that a safety net has my back lest it breaks, although I have to sacrifice much of my risk taking for it to work even slightly effectively.

Although I haven't the resources for it right now, I aim to have them very soon. Then I'm gone for good. It is only a matter of time, now. There's very little keeping me here.

Then I'm out.

nothing at all
there was nothing at all
then came nothing at all
then came nothing at all
but nothing at all, is nothing
the bastards they got us
one by one
they lied and deceived us
with the truth
the bastards they took my darling there
on top of the hill I can see
my lost world down there
- Kent, Ingenting (trans.)

Man About Town

My eyes look like sunken graves, the whites blurred, the pupils like an abyss staring into the distance. My sleeping timetable is monumentally fucked - I need some structure (read: a proper job) to get things happening again. It's not the fact I wake up with no purpose that doesn't get me out of bed, its just inertia. General inertia.

Nevertheless, my mini-getaway holiday was firstly furnished by the lovely Kyle and DeeDee, who provided much lulz in their cozy house in the middle of the "Ghetto", which isn't too far removed from an apt description. Their taste in TV is unsurpassed and of course never failed to disappoint. I am going to have so much fun watching Department S. Also, if Australia treated their Big Brother housemates with utter contempt like they do in Britain, I would be half-way inclined to watch it.

If you haven't seen the Grindhouse double in the cinema - DON'T! (I mean, of course, please do. Its such a fantastic experience. DON'T! is just a reference that myself and Natasha couldn't stop making after we saw Edgar Wright's awesome grindhouse inspired "preview" of a slasher pic.) I am ultimately (in the truest nature of the word) very tired and very broke.

I love the internet - there's nothing you can't find out...eventually.