A Personal Journey

In January 2010, I blogged about my impending liberation. Liberation from a four letter word. The word is fear. In my prolonged adolescence that I feel has ceased only this year, I felt only two emotions that I would dare name. Fear and the absence of it. The fear of telling the truth and avoiding saying anything. Fear of intimacy. Fear of being alone. I was in a double bind that I thought would haunt me to my grave, my epitaph reading like a school report card: "So much potential yet wasted."

Working with my brothers in my support group, my therapist and safe friends along with a multitude of books and activities, I've transformed myself from spineless and heartless into something resembling a human man. I don't fear love. I don't fear the truth. I don't fear solitude. I don't care if I'm popular - I only care if I conduct myself with integrity. I don't hide any more, I'm out here in plain sight. As a result, and without even realizing it, 2010 has been my most productive year of my life.

I've written countless articles for Metal As Fuck, a few for Onya Magazine in addition to writing a Federal Election column, held down a variety of jobs that bolstered my experience, gained a belt in Hapkido (after starting this year) won a key speaker award at the AGS conference, attended a United Nations conference, set up my own business with two clients so far, won two awards for academic excellence and will have one of my essays published in the peer-reviewed journal, ETC. A review of General Semantics. Despite not shifting a significant amount of the fat I picked up during my time in Atlanta, GA, I do feel stronger and fitter.

But as rapid as the transformation has been I still feel there is more to go. Korzybski said in 1921, we are on the cusp of the Manhood of Humanity. I am only starting to embrace my own manhood and my own humanity; strengths, foibles and all things between. 2010 for me has had incredible highs and crushing lows. For the most part, it's been a challenge that I've stepped up to every day - each day I try to learn something new and push myself somewhere I've not been before.

This year I've been loved, hated, praised, denigrated, ignored, beaten, bruised, sad, lonely and happy. Sometimes the projects I've attempted have failed. Other times, they've succeeded. I've lost some dear friends. I've gained others. I've loved, I've lost and I've loved again. Sometimes the timing is right - other times it's off. The universe is change - life is what our thoughts make it.

2010, I salute you.

2011 - I'm on a mission. I'm coming to kick your arse.

The Top 10 Metal of 2010 - The Critique

This year’s Top 10 has been an attempt from me to present a more intellectually involved yet no less passionate Top 10 list. With tips from editors and colleagues to take my time, I’ve mulled over scores of potential selections. But I also believe that it requires critique to give a full picture of my process of evaluation. I’ll be asking myself a series of questions (based on what others have asked) and I’ll try to answer them as honestly as I can.

Where’s the new Enslaved? The new Tryptikon? Ihsahn? You just hate black metal, don’t you!

What a boatload of tripe! I adore black metal. I own about 400 CDs/LPs and I would say about 5-10% are of the black metal genre alone – that’s at least 40 CDs worth. I would also have to retort that Agalloch and Martriden are black metal derived bands.

I do have a copy of the Enslaved record and heard the new Tryptikon – but for me, top records are all about what can cut above all the releases I’ve heard over the year. I have a stack of records that I’ve played once or twice – they’re quite good, but in the Darwinian struggle for my single CD slot, the Top 10 placegetters are not only the most musically gifted releases but the albums that have held my attention the longest. At the end of the day, #1 is probably the best album in terms of cost vs. benefit and length vs. “awesomeness.”

There were a lot of power metal, prog and melodic death releases that didn’t make the cut either. If it makes you feel any better the new records from Kamelot, Vanden Plas and Dimmu Borgir all rated the same in my book.

So what, just because you don’t own the physical recording means you don’t rate it?

On the contrary; most of the records listed were downloaded from an iPool, sent to me as a promo or via an official industry content distribution system.  The Grand Magus and the Ocean records are examples of this. All the others were purchased at some point (some were heard over iPool prior to purchase.) I have many more purchased records that didn’t make the cut either. I’m looking at about 10 of them as I write this.

I also don’t believe in taking something for free and criticizing it. It’s like getting a free Christmas dinner you aren’t even entitled to and complaining the turkey was too dry, the gravy was not thick enough, etc. etc. I believe a band deserves at least that much respect.

Some of the albums that aren’t #1 sound like the greatest records ever. What’s the deal?

Like I said before – some albums are absolutely astounding. But like with the Orphaned Land record, some records are just too “massive” to be enjoyed passively or frequently. I find with these records, if you have them on in the background, you miss the point of them. They’re like long and dense films – you can’t watch them every day – you have to set aside time for them.

So it's more of me communicating that they are excellently crafted records rather than records you want to play over and over again. If they are both - like the Grand Magus record - then they get higher positions.

But to be fair, it’s probably a bit contradictory to have them on the list if their lives will be spent mostly on the shelf or on the hard drive unplayed, isn’t it?

My rejoinder is that we may only read classic novels like War and Peace or Moby Dick once, possibly twice in our entire lives. With albums, we can play them many times over and usually do, even if they don't get much time in our preferred music player compared to other records.

I just looked at your Last.fm. Dark Tranquillity, Blind Guardian and Helloween are all amongst your Top 10 artists. Bias! Heresy! Perfidy! Etc.

I suppose this is undeniable – I do have a rather unique passion and liking for these bands. But to their credit, their records were all excellent this year. They genuinely stepped up their game, in my opinion. In previous years I’ve given Top 10 positions to these bands when they didn’t warrant it, but this time I feel that I’ve given them the praise they deserve. Adding unworthy bands into their unoccupied slots would just cheapen the integrity of the list – I personally couldn’t be compelled to do such a thing.

It may be a case of releasing a B album after a C or D album but I’d like to think not. Gambling with the Devil was a launching point but not an equal to 7 Sinners but was by no means terrible. Likewise with A Twist in the Myth and Fiction. I'd be hard pressed to call anything that DT or BG have released as "crap." (No qualms about taking Helloween's mid-period to task and berating it, though!)

Reviewers are also holding up Gamma Ray’s To the Metal as superior to Helloween’s record but I feel that’s premature – To the Metal sounded like more of the same (to me) while Helloween showed some depth and growth. Gamma Ray usually write a classic album worth of material over about 3 or 4 records packed with filler and I think To the Metal is no exception. Kai Hansen needs to find his Sascha Gerstner, to be quite honest.

I must admit, some of my albums don’t appear frequently on other lists and they are the glaring exceptions. I’ve seen Helloween and Blind Guardian pop up on a few European lists but Dark Tranquillity has routinely been overlooked. But then again, they almost always are! (The last time I saw them on a top 10 list was for Damage Done in 2002.)

I read your blog over at MetalAsFuck! You predicted your own #1!

It's not exactly clairvoyance.

I also feel now that the piece I wrote was unnecessarily arrogant and pithy...I genuinely like metal music but the tone of the piece seemed like I was taking the piss.

I was accused by some whether I was just a hipster in disguise (I am not, thank you very much!) berating metal because it was a "cool" thing to do among other such nonsense.

Getting some tips from my editor Leticia, I decided to take a measured approach to my Top 10 instead of blurting out substandard copy for the sake of it. Hence I wrote it over almost over two weeks, allowing for time to pass so I could tweak and edit. I feel its far better than previous lists I've ever written.

I count 11 discs in your so called Top 10!

Well done, you deserve a medal. I’ll send it to Jesus, c/- the Pentagon.

But seriously, Heliocentric and Anthropocentric is a double concept album – I feel it was just a cash-grab on the part of the label (and/or the band) to release them independently. Anthropocentric features leitmotifs from Heliocentric and both are about the history of religion, philosophy and astronomy as a criticism of Christian theology. Even the artwork is similar. Their MySpace quite clearly states it’s a “separately released double album.”

I suspect the label will see the error in their actions and combine them properly in a retail-price (i.e., not a limited ed. or deluxe price) box set or some manner of flashy receptacle (and there is a 4xLP set going...for €60!)

For example, Ayreon’s The Universal Migrator double album was also released separately only to be combined for sale later with extra liner notes and art, etc. at a retail price. The initial separation is excusable since those two albums were musically different. It isn’t the case this time.

Your Top 10 list doesn’t even resemble mine! Where’s your objectivity!?

I define objectivity as a journalistic endeavor that attempts to balance itself by using as many sources and opinions as possible to pursue the fact of the matter reported on.

This is a personal top 10 list and I rely on only one source – me. If you don’t like it, then tough!

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The Top 10 Metal of 2010 - #1

Emerging drug-addled and content so begins our arduous climb to the peak of the list, reclaiming the frost-covered Hammer of the North…

#1
Grand Magus - Hammer of the North
You know an album’s gonna be good a round about by the end of it. But you know an album will become a classic when you hear the first riff. For Grand Magus’ Hammer of the North, as soon as the “hammer” fell, out bounded a hot, jagged riff worthy of endless praise: I just knew it was going to be a special record.

The fusion of classic metal riffs, blues and doom metal has been done before. I’m sure we can all agree. But there’s a spirit to this record that I just can’t place. I feel myself drawn to it time and again. Even when I’m feeling low, this album cheers me up. Not one for cheapening my metal, I even had the aforementioned riff from I, The Jury as my mobile phone ringtone for a time.

The masculine swagger that courses through the music reminds one of Tarot – but Tarot have never been sounded this creative. Even the devil-may-care approach to soloing – often gratuitously – has one lamenting for his guitar ability, cursing the faux-guitar resting atop their games console for allowing such chicanery. The soulful bellow of Janne “JB” Christofferson sounds old school yet fresh at the same time. Black Sails sounds like if Dio, Ritchie Sambora and Dave Murray got together – its doom metal with a pop-metal finish that sounds cunning and heavy as anything else. It’s madness to even think it, but the Grand Magus boys pull it off. It’s this strange case of Swedes imitating Americans imitating Britons and back again – elements of those Southern hard-driving blues riffs can be heard on the track Northern Star yet they fuse the NWOBHM style gang choruses within as well. Are these but mere mortal men or some manner of metal gods?

They’re the modern masters of the blazing gallop that still has that stoner rock “who gives a shit” attitude. It’s real cigarette in the tuning forks, sweaty rock and roll. Is it thinking biker’s music? Unpretentious progressive metal? Who knows! It’s so twisted you just end up smashing your brain up against opposite sides of your skull. You just can’t get enough of this record. A future classic to be sure.

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...stay bookmarked for a NEW take on Top 10 lists...the self-critique!

The Top 10