In January 2010, I blogged about my impending liberation. Liberation from a four letter word. The word is fear. In my prolonged adolescence that I feel has ceased only this year, I felt only two emotions that I would dare name. Fear and the absence of it. The fear of telling the truth and avoiding saying anything. Fear of intimacy. Fear of being alone. I was in a double bind that I thought would haunt me to my grave, my epitaph reading like a school report card: "So much potential yet wasted."
Working with my brothers in my support group, my therapist and safe friends along with a multitude of books and activities, I've transformed myself from spineless and heartless into something resembling a human man. I don't fear love. I don't fear the truth. I don't fear solitude. I don't care if I'm popular - I only care if I conduct myself with integrity. I don't hide any more, I'm out here in plain sight. As a result, and without even realizing it, 2010 has been my most productive year of my life.
I've written countless articles for Metal As Fuck, a few for Onya Magazine in addition to writing a Federal Election column, held down a variety of jobs that bolstered my experience, gained a belt in Hapkido (after starting this year) won a key speaker award at the AGS conference, attended a United Nations conference, set up my own business with two clients so far, won two awards for academic excellence and will have one of my essays published in the peer-reviewed journal, ETC. A review of General Semantics. Despite not shifting a significant amount of the fat I picked up during my time in Atlanta, GA, I do feel stronger and fitter.
But as rapid as the transformation has been I still feel there is more to go. Korzybski said in 1921, we are on the cusp of the Manhood of Humanity. I am only starting to embrace my own manhood and my own humanity; strengths, foibles and all things between. 2010 for me has had incredible highs and crushing lows. For the most part, it's been a challenge that I've stepped up to every day - each day I try to learn something new and push myself somewhere I've not been before.
This year I've been loved, hated, praised, denigrated, ignored, beaten, bruised, sad, lonely and happy. Sometimes the projects I've attempted have failed. Other times, they've succeeded. I've lost some dear friends. I've gained others. I've loved, I've lost and I've loved again. Sometimes the timing is right - other times it's off. The universe is change - life is what our thoughts make it.
2010, I salute you.
2011 - I'm on a mission. I'm coming to kick your arse.